Wheat or what

At the risk of tickingoff a lot of people, I’m going to venture into the murky waters of “needy food orderers”. You know what I mean. Yes, you do. And. Warning. Warning. This is not about people who have legitimate allergies, syndromes, sensitivities and religious restrictions. This is about people who have made the consumption of food, away from home, a complicated, spectator sport. It’s about people who order at the top of their inside voice and have more food-orderaddenda than a how-to-manual written by a committee.

So, to start, when did we become a society of people who swan into a cafe or restaurant and ask for a “tall, halfskinny, half 1 percent, extra hot, split quad shot latte with whip.” The way I see it, people who really enjoy the taste of coffee don’t go to such lengths to mask the flavour of a good cup-o-joe. Complicated coffee orders are so common these days that it’s actually difficult to get something as plain as a “latte” or an iced coffee or a black coffee without the barista asking about adding all of the other stuff. My uncomplicated coffee orders have now become complicated. “I’ll have an iced coffee. No stevia. No whip. No foam. No milk. No syrup. No sprinkles. Just coffee with ice.” What the H E double doubles is that all about?

As a person who has spent a good deal of time behind a counter preparing food for customers, I may not have heard it all, but I’ve heard a lot. Like, “Does your potato salad have wheat in it?”

Don’t get me wrong, I know all about celiac disease, I’ve kneaded through the book Wheat Belly and I know there is gluten in some salad dressings. But, seriously kids—“wheat” in the potato salad?

I believe the question should have been, “Is the potato salad gluten-free?” If you’ve got a problem with gluten, wheat isn’t your only concern. The “wheat” question makes me wonder how many people I believe the question should have been, “Is the potato salad gluten-free?” If you’ve got a problem with gluten, wheat isn’t your only concern. The “wheat” question makes me wonder how many people

Indeed, it could be about how many people just want to be a part of the latest rage. I’ve been asked, “Is that real turkey?” Seriously, is there another kind of turkey? Do the turkeys know there might be poser-turkeys sharing the pen? Darn those poserturkeys, those unreal turkeys, mole turkeys. Ewww. Or, faux turkeys? Wheat turkeys? Or, the dreaded tofurkey? I like the idea of poser-turkey and had to stifle the urge to laugh out loud at the question.

Recently, while enjoying a meal at a local restaurant, I overheard a customer ask if her salad could be prepared without peanuts, peanut products, without wheat or wheat byproducts, without saturated fat, no cucumbers (apparently they made her repeat, oh my), no onions (she couldn’t digest onions), no garlic (garlic gives her the other kind of gas), no lettuce, no eggs and no tomatoes with the dressing on the side. Oh, oh, and no croutons but wanted a piece of bread (which made me wonder what she thought was in the bread before it became croutons). The woman asked for a salad for goodness sake. By definition, salad is a bunch of chopped up vegetables with a dressing of some kind on it. She even asked if there was a glutenfree wine available, but not chardonnay. Okay, I get the “chardonnay” thing. I’m not a chardonnay drinker, but gluten free wine— come on. Where has she been buying her wine, Alberta? Later in the “meal experience” (or should I say, “experiment”) the same woman didn’t have any problems ordering the (non-gluten free) Blackout Cake and asked for a compli-coffee, regarding coffee.

When did digestive systems become so frigging complicated? How did we become so sensitive and senseless about food and beverages? Do we play the same games at home, when it’s just us and the cat. I wonder if the same people look for “gluten free” cat food.

theresa@wellingtontimes.ca