Where do you get your ideas?

I am often asked, at diplomatic receptions, mortgage foreclosure parties and the like, where I get the ideas for my columns. If pushed, I will shrug and confess that it’s mostly the reallife news. Matter of fact, I like nothing better than hunkering down on a Sunday with the New York Times International Weekly—a supplement to the Toronto Star—and imagining how news stories could be the basis for columns. So this week, why don’t we do it together? I’m going to work with the March 21-22 edition.

The story that immediately caught my eye was “China Insists Dalai Lama Reincarnate.” That sounded a little puzzling—until you unbundled it. The Chinese Communist Party, which exercises political control over Tibet, wants a say in the selection of the next Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of Tibet, presumably so that he or she will be more China-compliant. The DL himself (as we have started calling him recently) is attempting to avoid the confrontation, saying he may choose not to reincarnate. The Party has replied by insisting he must reincarnate— and on its terms.

Of course, this is a deadly serious political struggle that should not be derided. But the line in the sand has been drawn in a peculiar place, and is of potential interest to those readers of the Times who devour it for its philosphical content and tend to skip the pages about sewage budgets and size of council debates. Three big questions raise their thorny heads. One: can the DL choose, himself, whether or not he is to be reincarnated? Two: what does the godless assemblage of the Chinese Communist Party have to offer in the mystic process of selection of a reincarnated DL? And three: can a reincarnation that takes place under duress be genuine?

In a quest for a deeper answer to these questions, we proposed to noted Hollywood actor and DL advocate Richard Gere that we do lunch in Beverley Hills. Unfortunately, the meeting fell through, as all the nickeland- diming management at the Times would spring for was breakfast in Wellington. And they call it “The County’s Independent Voice!”

Well, that’s enough to get started with: where would you take the column from here? You still have about 400 words to go. But perhaps philosophy does not amuse you. So how about imaginative tourism ideas? The Hungarian village of Megyer, population 18, had failed to impress tourists as a rural vacation jewel, so it tried something different. It rents out the entire village. For about $700 a night, you get to be deputy mayor of the place, controlling seven cottages that sleep about 40 people, the town hall, chicken and sheep barns, a dog, a bicycle fleet, a pig slaughterhouse, a classroom and a private pub. You also get to rename the two streets in the village for the duration of your stay, and receive an official certificate to prove it. Before the stunt, the village got about three tourist inquiries per day. Now it has about 400, and bookings to back up the stats. “Let’s face it,” said the mayor, “it’s in the middle of nowhere.” Two hours west of Budapest, through the Somlo wine district with its steep, rocky vineyards. The mayor, it should be said, has other interests as well. He is the manager of two Hungarian rock bands—Sex Action and Hollywoodoo. The story doesn’t make it clear whether the services of those fine musicians are available to villagebookers at a discount; or even whether that would make a difference to them. Don’t the parallels seem a little eerie? Middle of nowhere? Rocky vineyards? Slaughterhouse in village? I don’t see that Wellington has any Hungarian rock bands to offer up, but you get the point. So you can take it from here. You have about 200 words to go.

So a tourism theme doesn’t work for you either? Well, how about “New Leader Sees Halos Over the Golden Arches”—a touching tale about how Mc- Donald’s restaurants is trying to square the circle between those who love their traditional, cheap, and fast Big Mac and fries; and more finicky eaters who want fresh, natural, custom food and might be prepared to pay more and tolerate a slower service pace. Can it appeal to both customer groups, or should it just aim for one of them, and if so, which one? A new CEO of the company has taken over, and believes it can do both. For example, he has announced that within two years, all chicken in the company’s restaurants will be free of antibiotics, or at least antibiotics used in humans. McDonald’s, of course, is the world’s (36,000 outlets) and America’s (14,000 outlets) biggest fast food chain. And the challenge is a serious one: sales per store have fallen for each of the past five years. Already, to receive a drive-through Big Mac takes 189.5 seconds, compared with 152 seconds just 10 years ago. That’s 189.5—no casual rounding up to 190 please. So there’s another one started for you. Where would you take it? We’re almost out of column space. (The phrase “drive-through Big Mac” is ambiguous: you had better give it your own wording).

Still not biting, let alone chewing? How about “Balti Curry Seeks Standing in Britain”? The Balti Curry district in Birmingham, England, is seeking recognition as, and European Union subsidies for, a traditional British specialty food—like the Cornish pasty. Bye, bye, steak and kidney pie? How about “Study Reveals Lashes Keep the Eyes Moist”—an attempt to eliminate an answer to the old party game question about what part of the human anatomy is useless from an evolutionary standpoint. We’re now down to the earlobe and the appendix, because I think I read somewhere that ear hair is a functioning dust filter.That somewhere, of course, must have been the the New York Times International Weekly.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca