Doing a Benedict

That Pope Benedict retirement thing has got people talking. I say: good for him to admit his limitations and not feel forced by tradition to stay on until the bitter end.

The list of people who should follow suit, or should have long ago, is lengthy. Near the top of my list are Dalton McGuinty, the late Dick Clark, Don Cherry, The Rolling Stones, and anyone who appears in those intensely annoying PBS fundraiser specials, like “Greatest Hits of the Doo-Wop years, featuring a oncein- a-lifetime reunion of The Casseroles.” Once in a lifetime is once too many, boys.

But there are other more intriguing names to think about. What about our less-thancompletely- loved Prime Minister? Will he start to think that, having already served as PM for eight years at age 53, with still enough capacity to take on another career, it’s time to move on?

My sense is that he must be saying to himself: “How much longer can I stand being around this herd of cats? If it’s not Brazeau or Duffy, it’s Toews or MacKay. If it’s not fighter jets, it’s robocalls.” At some point, one of his less than merry crew is going to go loco on him. It’s just the way politics works. His career batting average has much more chance of going down than it does up. Does Harper want to risk sullying his reputation, or get out while he’s ahead?

Besides, Harper himself must be getting awfully tired just trying to remember that he has to smile and look kindly, even when he’s just been asked the most ridiculous question in the world. How long can he keep up the pretence?

My theory is that he’s already looking for a soft landing; and that if he isn’t, he wouldn’t take much persuading. But what jobs would suit him? He obviously isn’t cut out to be a greeter at WalMart, or for that matter, its pinstriped- suited equivalent, a senior vice chairman for public affairs for a major Canadian chartered bank.

There is one brass ring position that has just opened up—the papacy. There is of course the problem that Harper is neither a Catholic nor a Cardinal, although he does possess the essential credential of infallibility. Neverthless, the chances of his being the name beneath the white smoke are pretty small.

What’s a more realistic prestige job for the Prime Minister of Canada? You know, the guy who’s about to publish a book on the history of hockey this fall. Hockey; now there’s a thought. I referred to Don Cherry a moment ago. How about giving Mr. Harper the job of Coach in Coach’s Corner on Hockey Night in Canada? Harper himself could easily learn the Cherry schtick. His ranting skills are pretty good, given the practice he’s had with his caucus. With a little training, I’m sure that he could learn to drop his ‘g’s and replace them with ‘k’s. And it would be a smooth transition from Cherry’s “it’s a dumb game fought by good Canadian boys, not sissy Europeans” to “those western Canadian guys really know how to build a firewall round the net, not like those eastern Canadian floaters.” The only real difficulty would be sartorial. I for one would counsel Harper not to follow suit, so to speak, with Cherry: forget about the over-the-top jackets and ties and go for, say, a different fleece-top look every week. It would be cheaper too.

The problem, of course, is that if the CBC were going to get rid of Cherry, it would have done so years ago. And Cherry himself gives no outward sign of the weariness that did in Pope Benedict; in fact, he seems to look younger each year. And I don’t think there’s room for both Cherry and Harper. Harper is no Ron MacLean straight man: he isn’t used to being interrupted and dismissed with a wave of the hand.

But let’s stick with hockey. Is there anyone out there more disliked than Gary Bettman, the NHL Commissioner who makes $8 million a year and has put hockey fans through one obliterated and two strike-shortened seasons—and who has been in the job for going on 20 years? Bettman should consider doing a Benedict and heading for the exit door. Stephen Harper might just slide into the vacated slot quite smoothly. Knowledgeable, always right, unbending, unafraid to be unpopular —he checks all the right boxes. Dealing with NHL owners would be a piece of cake compared to dealing with his caucus. He might even take the job for about half what Bettman is being paid. It may be less prestigious than Coach’s Corner, but if that gig is not to be available, the post of Commissioner would be a pretty smooth landing. Canadian voters would think good thoughts about NHL owners. And it would free up the Prime Ministership for, um; well, for, um….

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.