If Germany can defend bratwurst

So bacon—as well as processed meat and sausages—is a carcinogen, right up there with tobacco and asbestos. And red meat is a “possible” carcinogen. At least if you believe the findings of a committee of that pipsqueak outfit known as the World Health Organization —the one that told us a can of pop a day was too much sugar to ingest safely.

At what point does the carcinogenic effect kick in? Well, to reduce it to bacon strips, two a day is said to increase the risk of getting colorectal cancer by 18 per cent—whatever that means. According to a 2011 survey, American consumption of bacon averages less than one strip per person per day; so if everyone is average, and we Canadians consume like Americans, we can collectively still double our consumption before the risk increases by that amount. Even so, nobody enjoys the prospect of munching on a known carcinogen, however good it tastes and however low the risk. So the WHO report is not good news for bacon.

The German government has already leaped to the defence of the sausage. “No one should be afraid if they eat a bratwurst every now and then,” said the German minister for food and agriculture in response to the WHO report. “It always depends on the amount. Too much is unhealthy.” The Italians are also defending their prosciutto. The Coldiretti meat processors assocation has stated “no to meat terrorism, the Italian stuff is the healthiest,” noting that Italians enjoy one of the highest life expectancies in the world.

In Canada, the Canadian Cattlemen’s Association and the Canadian Meat Council have leaped to the defence of meat consumption generally, the latter noting that the WHO did not “balance its verdict by taking into account either the proven benefits of meat or the substantive implications of removing meat from the diet.” For its part, Health Canada has said that it will review the WHO report and update its guidelines if necessary; and noted that it encourages “smaller amounts of meat, more meat alternatives and a greater emphasis on vegetables, fruit and whole grain foods.”

But where are the passionate voices being raised in defence of our iconic Canadian back bacon? Where are today’s Bob and Doug McKenzie, who, in between beer burps, were global ambassadors for a product that makes Canadian hearts flutter? If Germany can defend bratwurst, surely Canada can stand up and defend bacon.

In a way, our politicians are lucky that the bacon issue did not explode in time to have an effect on our election. Would Justin Trudeau have said that “real change” should incorporate reductions in bacon consumption? Or would he have stated that “sunny ways” should be taken to include a daily dose of eggs sunny side up with at least 2.25 strips of back bacon? Would Thomas Mulcair have fared better had he been able to demonstrate his government would endorse the WHO report—without running a deficit. Would Stephen Harper (remember him?) have pulled off a victory if he had drawn a line in the sand and told Canadians only he and his Harper Government could protect Canadians against the evil spectre of vegetarianism or reduced meat consumption?

One can only speculate what American politicians will do when pressed to take a stand on the WHO report. Donald Trump might well say that his second priority, after building a wall across the Mexican border, will be to pass a law stating that processed meat is not carcinogenic and slapping punitive tariffs on imported tofu products. Hillary Rodham Clinton may commission a poll to determine where she stands on the issue, and comment in the interim that the report proves everything she has ever suspected about ‘red meat’ Republicans.

And then there are companies with a big stake in the bacon business to consider. Take Wendy’s. Its ‘Baconator’ sandwich, made for “discerning carnivores,” contains not just a half pound of meat, but also—gasp—six strips of fresh-cooked, never microwaved, thick cut, applewood- smoked bacon. I don’t imagine that Wendy’s is all that thrilled to rest its future on a sandwich that in terms of bacon alone, never mind the red meat component, might only be eaten once every three days at the most. And the CFL, of which the Baconator is the official hamburger, must be shaking in its 110-yard boots.

If the WHO report takes hold, what will bacon addicts do if they can’t eat the stuff, at least in public? Will they be forced to buy spray cans of ‘eau de back bacon’ to get their fix? Now that legalization of marijuana is in the cards, will organized crime move into the bacon market? Let’s hope not: that would be one of its rasher decisions.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca