William “Swamp” Thing

SWAMP COLLEGE WARD 10

While Britain had Count Binface run in a recent byelection, the County now has its own spoof candidate: William “Swamp” Thing.

“I am living proof that whatever humankind needs, the swamp can provide,” he states. “This is why one of my campaign priorities is ‘LESS CITY MORE SWAMPY’.”

The Swamp College Road resident is not on the official ballot, but he does take a soggy stand on most political issues. For example, Mr. Thing offers an 18-point plan for the controversial Wellington waterworks that would involve drilling 18 holes in the existing pipeline to create— you guessed it—more swamp.

“I pledge to significantly expand moisture levels, insect population, and squishy mud sounds to levels not seen since my grandparents first laid down their moisture-loving roots on Swamp College Road a century ago,” he says.

One suspects that if he were asked where Wellington is, he would point at one of his rubber boots.

Not one to get bogged down in a myriad of issues, Mr. Thing doesn’t stray far from the marsh when asked about the biggest challenge facing the County over the next four years: “I can’t stress enough how important it is that every voter in Prince Edward County get ready to get extremely wet, and stay wet for a very long time. Wetter is better.”

He refuses to get stuck in the quagmire of tax issues by simply explaining: “I’m unfamiliar with the concept of taxes and tax increases, but you’ve worded this question in such a way that they sound bad. However, they can’t be as bad as the thing I hate more than anything else: roads.” Of course, his solution to the problem of fixing County roads is to turn them into swamps.

When asked why residents should vote for him, the candidate known as Swamp replied that his attributes are that he is old, male and has his name on a road.